2008 did not live up to my expectations for it, and while many of my disappointments are largely a result of my own actions, I feel kind of cheated knowing that so many negative things happened within one year.
The year started out strangely, with me working at Broad Horizons. It was a job I enjoyed because I liked most of the kids and got to do things like watch movies, play basketball, and walk along Mission Beach at night. Unfortunately the job also required more responsibility than I could handle at the time. I felt like I was always expected to be suspicious and was supposed to have some level of threatening authority over the kids. That's not who I am and I don't know if I'll ever be that way. So, as a result of stress and conflicting feelings about my role and what was needed of me, I quit. Three weeks later, I started working at the movie theater, thinking it would be a temporary position to maintain an income until I found a different job.
Needless to say, I am still working at the movie theater, after something like eight months. When I got hired, I asked for less than I was making when I had left Barnes & Noble two years before. I ended up getting even less than that: minimum wage. I have since gotten promoted but still make only 50 cents more than when I started. I also have to do a lot of work I was previously able to avoid.
I like my job at the theater but I'm not really getting compensated enough to ever live on my own. Since I'm 23, that makes things seem pretty bleak. I also have to, once again, close downstairs concessions at least once a week, which I hate more than sweeping up puke or spilling regal juice all over myself. So things at work actually seem worse since I got promoted.
What made 2008 so bad, however, was the social aspect of my life. I can't even begin to explain the number or severity of mistakes I made with people this year. I essentially stopped being friends with some of my favorite people, some of whom I had known for nearly a decade. I made new friends at Regal, but some of those I ended up losing too. I know in the process of all this, I hurt the people I care about most, sometimes very badly. I also managed to distance myself from about 99% of people I know. In situations where I probably could have benefited from talking about things with one of my friends, I sat at home alone, trying to ignore everything that was going on by immersing myself in TV and the internet and books.
I have drifted away from all of my real friends, mainly I think, because I was too confused by my own decisions to admit them to anyone else. When I think about all the free time I had over the past year, I can't really figure out what I did with it. I should have been distributing it more evenly.
The friends I did lose, I miss. I don't know how to become friends with them again. I don't know how to approach all the difficult subjects that keep us from each other. I wish things could be like they were a few years ago, when I didn't feel regret or guilt or shame at the thought of my own friends. I feel so disappointed in myself. I find it hard to even understand what happened in these instances. I can't understand my own behavior. I didn't seem like myself.
I still have a desire to connect with people, but for some reason I won't let myself. I've been disappointed a lot and I'm tired of all the surprises someone will throw at you even if you think you know them and trust them. I'm afraid of everyone's motives and of the real personality traits that emerge over time, just as you've gotten attached to the person.
I've gone through a lot of personal changes this year. Last January, I was pretty depressed and angry. I didn't feel like I had very much to be grateful for. Then, around the middle of the year, I got this strange burst of manic happiness. I had a hard time thinking about the future or the results of my actions, but I was having a good time. I liked the feeling of recklessness but I was losing a grip on the reality of my life. Finally, within the past few months, I've calmed down a lot. I just feel normal now, which I guess is all that I can ask for. After working at Broad Horizons and also, again, in a customer service-type job, my attitude towards people has changed. I am tired of feeling like people are always giving me a hard time, always expecting me to fix things for them or take care of them. I feel that sometimes people even think it's okay to give me crap because of the way I look, which is apparently like a 17-year-old ditzy white girl. People seem to have no respect for me and don't acknowledge the fact that I have opinions and feelings and a life of my own that in no way involves their petty issues with entitlement and superiority. As a result of all this, I have gotten a lot more reactive. When someone says something I could take offense to, I don't let it slide. When I hear someone is having a problem with me or something I have done, I confront them about it instead of hoping the issue will work itself out. I feel a lot bolder than I ever did before. I always feel pretty confident, but I used to sacrifice my own feelings, or time, or even money, to make other people happy, or at least avoid upsetting them. I now feel that acting that way is pretty much crap. It only made me feel bad and I usually took out my feelings on someone who didn't deserve it. Maybe it's bad to practice this particular brand of personal strength. Maybe it makes me seem mean or rough, but I'm done with being chronically passive. I'm actually proud that if someone gives me a hard time, I retaliate. Not that I do this very often. I'm still pretty easy-going most of the time. I'm just done with allowing other people to ruin my mood or my day for no good reason.
I think I have such a negative view of 2008 because of the place it's led me. I work at a job I can't even support myself on while living with my parents which makes all my time at college seem like a huge waste since I don't even need a high school-level diploma to work there. I have completely lost the person I considered my best friend for a huge chunk of my life. I have made mistakes that have caused me to have awkward and uncertain feelings about people I otherwise really like. I have wasted my time out of college by not being properly prepared to apply for graduate school. I do not feel like I've had many memorable adventures or experiences of great learning during the past year. Also, I'm pretty sure any resolutions I set for myself at the beginning of 2008 I never followed through on.
I'm hoping that 2009 will provide me with a chance to start over on a lot of things. I really just want to take stock of everything in my life and use the new year as an excuse to make any necessary changes. I'll talk more about my hopes for 2009 later, though.
Here's a list of the best and worst things about 2008:
Best
- Taking a trip to Colorado with my parents. Even though it was really stressful and I almost ended up coming home early because I can't get along with my dad, I have a lot of good memories of it and appreciated the time I got to spend traveling with my family.
- Learning about Native American culture and religions. I really was able to connect with a lot of the material in the two cross-cultural classes I took and I learned a lot more about myself and ways of looking at the world. This may sound naieve, but if I could be any ethnicity, I would be Native American.
- Spending time with a few specific people. Even if things didn't work out with everyone or I didn't dedicate as much time to hanging out as I should have, there are a few people who I really enjoyed being around this year and I have really good memories of the times we spent together. This might even make up for all the disappointing social things that happened in 2008.
- Going to a cabin in Idyllwild.
- Reading some good books like On the Rez, Another Place at the Table, Lipstick Jihad, and Gilead.
- Obama.
Worst
- The online class I took. Never, never take an online class. Not worth it at all.
- Bad decisions.
- Being constantly broke and living from paycheck to paycheck.
- Losing people I care about.
- Horrible, alarming dreams.
- Spending a bunch of time and money on my substitute teacher certification and not following through on it.
- Juggling my time and energy to please other people.
- Closing downstairs concessions.
Other notable stuff I did that doesn't make either list:
- Going to Boston for Fallon's graduation. High points and low points balance each other out.
- Going to Las Vegas for Fallon's birthday. No real high points or low points.
- Taking a guitar class.
- Visiting my grandma in Hemit.
- Working on the Cinema Spartan website and hiring new writers. Fun, but a lot of work.
People who died:
- My grandpa
- My Uncle Junior
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