I'm doing my resolutions differently this year. I usually make resolutions that I have no intention of keeping, that won't really benefit me, or that are so inane (like reading more or taking day trips), they aren't even worth mentioning.

This year I'm focusing on four main ideas: self-reliance, emotional balance, motivation, and organization. I'm making small, reasonable goals for myself that will lead to an improvement in each of these areas.

Self-reliance: I always stress how important it is to be self-reliant, emotionally, socially, and financially, but for a long time I haven't really been doing so well in any of those areas.

• I plan on going out and doing something completely on my own twice a month. My mother and Law & Order have scared me endlessly about the dangers of being a young woman walking around by myself so I will probably be limiting my solo activities to going to the movies and eating out. Still, these are things I have rarely in my life ever done by myself and I'm hoping I will feel more confident and independent by doing them more often. I don't want to feel like I have to make complicated plans with other people in order to leave my house.
• I'm going to start keeping a diary. Instead of relying on other people to listen to my problems and ideas and the minor crises of each day, I'm just going to take Kimee's Godsister's genius advice, and buy a diary. That way I won't be expecting someone else to give worth or validation to my own experiences.
• Part of being self-reliant is, obviously, not depending on someone else so much that you can't function on your own. To avoid putting all my time, energy, and expectations into one person, I'm going to try to spend time with a wider variety of people than I have been. I'm going to try to plan some activity with a different person each month (not that I'll only hang out with you once this year, but I want to try to go out and socialize with twelve different people). And I'm going to hang out with you on my own, without any of my friends who might act as a safety blanket (?).
• I really need to become financially stable, to the point where I can support myself living on my own. I can't do that with the job I have now, so my goal is to find a second job. My long-term plan for financial self-reliance is to get a graduate degree. To achieve this, I am desperately trying to get seven applications in within the month. If seven seems a bit much, I agree, but all the programs are basically carbon copies of each other, location isn't a huge deal to me, and costs are about equal. I just want to improve my chances of actually getting accepted, but the people who are filling out my recommendation forms will probably hate me.

Emotional Balance: I really hate letting my emotions go unchecked but usually, for me, that's the easy way out of things. It's hard for me to let go of my feelings and really calm down. I always end up feeling like I'm just ignoring my anger or frustration or sadness or whatever.

• I'm going to try to avoid negative situations. This isn't always easy, especially when I'm stuck at work and some customer is giving me a snotty attitude or one of my parents is going through an emotional imbalance of their own and I can't really ignore it. I've finally realized, however, that I might be able to control a small amount of the negativity I'm exposed to. I have the tendency to get worked up about other people's problems and behaviors so I'm just going to ask everyone not to tell me any gossipy complaints or stories about the "drama" your friends are putting you through. Sorry, kids. You've got your problems, I've got mine. That's not to say I won't listen and help you out with a big issue you're having, but I'm really tired of hearing about all the daily crap that goes on. Whatever some guy said about your sister or your friend told your other friend to do, unless you can relate the incident in a humorous way, keep it to yourself around me. I'm also going to be more prompt about removing myself from situations that are aggravating me whenever I'm able. Watch out for some rudely disconnected phone calls in the coming year!
• I'm going to try meditation. Considering the small amount of stock I actually put in this practice, this may or may not work out. Regardless, I think if I set aside a small amount of time each day where at the very least, I'm not being bothered by anyone; not being overwhelmed by some blaring media source; and not worrying about, planning, or regretting anything, I'll get a break from all of the unnatural demands modern society forces upon us.
• I recently took stock of my monthly finances and realized that my health insurance eats up about two weeks of wages on its own. Since I have Kaiser, every doctor's visit is $5. I will also probably not have health insurance within the next year or so. Therefore, I'm going to go to the doctor for everything imaginable, while I can still afford it and make the most of my insurance payments. To further my emotional balance, I might even see a psychologist. This is probably the last time I'll be able to afford to get psychiatric therapy for several years so I might as well do it now before something drastic happens and I can't function and can't pay for help.
• I'm going to stop relying on others to make me happy. This ties in with self-reliance, but has more applicability here. I want to be able to generate my own happiness so my moods aren't constantly being affected by the moods or actions of others. I'm going to try to get much more enjoyment out of the things I do by being more thoughtful and grateful. It's hard for me to enjoy a lot of things because I'm always waiting for someone else to intervene and affect my mood. If I could just focus on myself and think, "I'm really enjoying what I'm doing right now," I'm pretty sure I would be happy a lot more often.

Motivation: I waste a lot of opportunities because I just can't get motivated enough to follow through, or even start on things.

• Every time I'm doing something big that I initially wanted to do but am losing motivation on, I'm going to make a list of reasons why I don't want to do whatever the situation requires. I think if I could see the actual points that are keeping me from doing something, I wouldn't feel like I was up against something so tiring and intangible.
• Whenever I start on something new, I'm going to add it to a list so that whenever I'm sitting around my house looking at MySpace, I'll have the list next to me, showing my options for more worthwhile activities.
• I'm going to take on two relatively insignificant goals this year: doing archery and learning a new language. I'm really going to push myself to follow through on both of these things so that I can compare them to anything else I'm doing and know that since I was able to follow through on them, it shouldn't be too difficult for me to follow through on other things.
• Get organized.

Organization: I'm horrible about being organized. Organization just seems to take up too much time without being worth it. In the long run, though, I end up losing track of everything.

• Above anything else, I need to organize my time. I often sit around my house, wasting entire days without even realizing it. I'm pretty sure I bought a daily planner last year but I don't even remember taking it out of the bag when I got home. Scheduling appointments and activities is one thing, but I really need to get control of all the time I just lose by not doing anything meaningful, fun, or productive. I need to make some time limits for myself regarding the amount of time I spend on the internet (especially on social networking sites) and the amount of time I spend on the phone. Those two activities alone probably take up at least half of my day most days. As in eight waking hours. Many days it gets up to 10 or 12. That's embarrassing and completely unnecessary. By setting time limits on both of those activities, I am sure I'll be shocked by how much free time I actually have.
• A temporary but incredibly important goal is to get all my graduate school information organized so I won't end up flipping through stacks of paper and getting frustrated by not finding what I wanted. I also need to keep better track of the different supplementary requirements for each college so I don't end up sending in an incomplete application packet.
• I'm going to get better about keeping lists. I've come to realize that the only way I can really remember things is to make lists. A psychologist once told me I probably had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder because I liked to make lists. I now think she had boredom-induced job dissatisfaction leading to overzealous diagnoses, a tiny exercise of her otherwise dormant creative freedom.
• I really need to keep better track of my money. I tend to charge things on my credit card, confident I'll be able to pay them off, without realizing how much the charges are actually adding up. In fact, I'm going to use my credit card significantly less this year - only for online purchases (which I rarely make). I'm going to buy everything else with good old cash so I can see how much I'm actually spending and how much I have left.

2008: The Year In Review

It is hard for me to think that last year, in 2007, I was still at BU, suffering through snow and graduate-level term papers. I had my 22nd birthday and the novelty of showing my I.D. at bars wore off. I had an extended summer vacation before getting a job at Broad Horizons and spent my weeknights at restaurants and pool halls. All that seems like such a long time ago.

2008 did not live up to my expectations for it, and while many of my disappointments are largely a result of my own actions, I feel kind of cheated knowing that so many negative things happened within one year.

The year started out strangely, with me working at Broad Horizons. It was a job I enjoyed because I liked most of the kids and got to do things like watch movies, play basketball, and walk along Mission Beach at night. Unfortunately the job also required more responsibility than I could handle at the time. I felt like I was always expected to be suspicious and was supposed to have some level of threatening authority over the kids. That's not who I am and I don't know if I'll ever be that way. So, as a result of stress and conflicting feelings about my role and what was needed of me, I quit. Three weeks later, I started working at the movie theater, thinking it would be a temporary position to maintain an income until I found a different job.

Needless to say, I am still working at the movie theater, after something like eight months. When I got hired, I asked for less than I was making when I had left Barnes & Noble two years before. I ended up getting even less than that: minimum wage. I have since gotten promoted but still make only 50 cents more than when I started. I also have to do a lot of work I was previously able to avoid.

I like my job at the theater but I'm not really getting compensated enough to ever live on my own. Since I'm 23, that makes things seem pretty bleak. I also have to, once again, close downstairs concessions at least once a week, which I hate more than sweeping up puke or spilling regal juice all over myself. So things at work actually seem worse since I got promoted.

What made 2008 so bad, however, was the social aspect of my life. I can't even begin to explain the number or severity of mistakes I made with people this year. I essentially stopped being friends with some of my favorite people, some of whom I had known for nearly a decade. I made new friends at Regal, but some of those I ended up losing too. I know in the process of all this, I hurt the people I care about most, sometimes very badly. I also managed to distance myself from about 99% of people I know. In situations where I probably could have benefited from talking about things with one of my friends, I sat at home alone, trying to ignore everything that was going on by immersing myself in TV and the internet and books.

I have drifted away from all of my real friends, mainly I think, because I was too confused by my own decisions to admit them to anyone else. When I think about all the free time I had over the past year, I can't really figure out what I did with it. I should have been distributing it more evenly.

The friends I did lose, I miss. I don't know how to become friends with them again. I don't know how to approach all the difficult subjects that keep us from each other. I wish things could be like they were a few years ago, when I didn't feel regret or guilt or shame at the thought of my own friends. I feel so disappointed in myself. I find it hard to even understand what happened in these instances. I can't understand my own behavior. I didn't seem like myself.

I still have a desire to connect with people, but for some reason I won't let myself. I've been disappointed a lot and I'm tired of all the surprises someone will throw at you even if you think you know them and trust them. I'm afraid of everyone's motives and of the real personality traits that emerge over time, just as you've gotten attached to the person.

I've gone through a lot of personal changes this year. Last January, I was pretty depressed and angry. I didn't feel like I had very much to be grateful for. Then, around the middle of the year, I got this strange burst of manic happiness. I had a hard time thinking about the future or the results of my actions, but I was having a good time. I liked the feeling of recklessness but I was losing a grip on the reality of my life. Finally, within the past few months, I've calmed down a lot. I just feel normal now, which I guess is all that I can ask for. After working at Broad Horizons and also, again, in a customer service-type job, my attitude towards people has changed. I am tired of feeling like people are always giving me a hard time, always expecting me to fix things for them or take care of them. I feel that sometimes people even think it's okay to give me crap because of the way I look, which is apparently like a 17-year-old ditzy white girl. People seem to have no respect for me and don't acknowledge the fact that I have opinions and feelings and a life of my own that in no way involves their petty issues with entitlement and superiority. As a result of all this, I have gotten a lot more reactive. When someone says something I could take offense to, I don't let it slide. When I hear someone is having a problem with me or something I have done, I confront them about it instead of hoping the issue will work itself out. I feel a lot bolder than I ever did before. I always feel pretty confident, but I used to sacrifice my own feelings, or time, or even money, to make other people happy, or at least avoid upsetting them. I now feel that acting that way is pretty much crap. It only made me feel bad and I usually took out my feelings on someone who didn't deserve it. Maybe it's bad to practice this particular brand of personal strength. Maybe it makes me seem mean or rough, but I'm done with being chronically passive. I'm actually proud that if someone gives me a hard time, I retaliate. Not that I do this very often. I'm still pretty easy-going most of the time. I'm just done with allowing other people to ruin my mood or my day for no good reason.

I think I have such a negative view of 2008 because of the place it's led me. I work at a job I can't even support myself on while living with my parents which makes all my time at college seem like a huge waste since I don't even need a high school-level diploma to work there. I have completely lost the person I considered my best friend for a huge chunk of my life. I have made mistakes that have caused me to have awkward and uncertain feelings about people I otherwise really like. I have wasted my time out of college by not being properly prepared to apply for graduate school. I do not feel like I've had many memorable adventures or experiences of great learning during the past year. Also, I'm pretty sure any resolutions I set for myself at the beginning of 2008 I never followed through on.

I'm hoping that 2009 will provide me with a chance to start over on a lot of things. I really just want to take stock of everything in my life and use the new year as an excuse to make any necessary changes. I'll talk more about my hopes for 2009 later, though.

Here's a list of the best and worst things about 2008:

Best

• Taking a trip to Colorado with my parents. Even though it was really stressful and I almost ended up coming home early because I can't get along with my dad, I have a lot of good memories of it and appreciated the time I got to spend traveling with my family.
• Learning about Native American culture and religions. I really was able to connect with a lot of the material in the two cross-cultural classes I took and I learned a lot more about myself and ways of looking at the world. This may sound naieve, but if I could be any ethnicity, I would be Native American.
• Spending time with a few specific people. Even if things didn't work out with everyone or I didn't dedicate as much time to hanging out as I should have, there are a few people who I really enjoyed being around this year and I have really good memories of the times we spent together. This might even make up for all the disappointing social things that happened in 2008.
• Going to a cabin in Idyllwild.
• Reading some good books like On the Rez, Another Place at the Table, Lipstick Jihad, and Gilead.
• Obama.

Worst

• The online class I took. Never, never take an online class. Not worth it at all.
• Bad decisions.
• Being constantly broke and living from paycheck to paycheck.
• Losing people I care about.
• Horrible, alarming dreams.
• Spending a bunch of time and money on my substitute teacher certification and not following through on it.
• Juggling my time and energy to please other people.
• Closing downstairs concessions.

Other notable stuff I did that doesn't make either list:

• Going to Boston for Fallon's graduation. High points and low points balance each other out.
• Going to Las Vegas for Fallon's birthday. No real high points or low points.
• Taking a guitar class.
• Visiting my grandma in Hemit.
• Working on the Cinema Spartan website and hiring new writers. Fun, but a lot of work.

People who died:

• My grandpa
• My Uncle Junior